


Don't Leave Me

by TheatrePhantom



Series: Human Zim [2]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Accidental Death, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Baking, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Cooking, Crying, Dark Past, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Heavy Angst, Human Zim (Invader Zim), Hurt, Men Crying, Not Beta Read, Past, Past Character Death, Poisoning, Psychological Trauma, Self-Hatred, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25296244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheatrePhantom/pseuds/TheatrePhantom
Summary: Human Zim takes some time to reflect on his childhood and what he will always consider to be the worst day of his entire life.(Flashback from I Want to be Okay.)
Series: Human Zim [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855570
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	Don't Leave Me

Zim had grown to love cooking and baking at a young age. Cooking was a completely different kind of magic- a tangible kind of alchemy that he could do it home. Baking was the science that he was allowed to do as a child- though his mother always supervised him carefully and helped Zim as he did anything in the kitchen when he was young to ensure that he never harmed himself. It was one of Zim’s favourite pastimes for many reasons. 

Miyuki was a wonderful mother and Zim loved to spend time with her. He had never met his father- he didn’t know the full story, but he had disappeared before Zim had ever been born. Mama Miyuki’s amazing parental skills more than made up for the loss of his other parent, though, and never once in his childhood did he miss his father or regret not being able to know him. Zim’s mom gave him everything that someone could want or need from a parent, including enough love to make up for the other being gone, and enough life skills that Zim was sure he would be fully capable of taking care of himself just from her help by the time he was fifteen if he had been able to get her help for that long. 

Of all of the things that Miyuki showed Zim, though, his favourite was anything that happened in the kitchen and had to do with food. He was good cooking, for one, and it gave him the perfect time for mother-son bonding since she was always by his side during it.

At least, she  _ usually _ was. 

As all horror stories go, though, the problem arose when that changed. There was one day when Miyuki wasn’t able to help Zim during his cooking expeditions as a young child and, unsurprisingly, it didn’t end well. 

Zim had awoken before his mother had. He didn’t have a very good internal clock- always rising and falling asleep at odd times (something that never left him), and he was young enough to not completely understand how time worked, in the grand scheme of things. What he  _ did _ know, in reference to time, was that this time of year was special. It was his mom’s birthday and, the minute Zim woke up, he knew what he was going to do for her. 

He was young, but he knew enough about baking that he was convinced he could make a fantastic pie. All that he needed was something to act as a filling and, since the canned fruits were too high in the pantry for Zim to reach without climbing up them, he decided that the best thing for him to do in that situation was to go out into the woods behind their house in search of some wild fruit or berries that he could use instead.

Tugging on his pink-striped sweater and slipping on his boots and gloves, Zim carefully opened the back door, closing it behind him as quietly as possible so as to not awaken his mother and ruin the surprise. 

Once outside, he immediately ran into the woods, beginning his search for anything that he could use. 

Zim had always liked to consider himself a genius and an explorer. He enjoyed going through the woods behind their house and knew his way around it fairly well. He couldn’t help but feel like Indiana Jones anytime he went out there- especially whenever he had a specific objective when he left the house. Even when all he was doing was searching for and collecting wild berries, Zim felt like a true adventurer, his child mind blowing the small action of going outside into something far more beautiful and exciting than it truly was (something his future self envied).

It wasn’t long before he stumbled across something that seemed perfect. 

The plant Zim found was a large, twisted bush with astonishing colouration that had Zim gaping with awe. The stems of the plant were a vivid reddish pink, each stem so heavy with berries that they bent slightly under the weight. The fruit itself was a deep shade of indigo, looking juicy and delicious. 

Immediately, Zim grinned. He hadn’t known that blueberries even grew back there, but what the plant was was obvious to him. There was no other plant Zim knew of that looked like the one before him, so he felt confident that they were blueberries- what else could they possibly be? 

Still smiling, Zim began plucking the small berries from the plant, filling the front pocket of his sweater with them as he did so since he didn’t bring anything else to carry them with. He distantly recognized the fact that his sweater would be stained with the navy colour of the blueberries, but he didn’t care. Zim was far too excited about his find. He knew how to make blueberry pie and it was one of his favourites! This was going to be easy. 

The young boy made his way back home quickly, trying his best to not smush the berries he had collected in his haste to return. The excitement that filled him was perhaps misplaced, but he had been giddy at the very thought of being able to do something nice for his mom and he was already riding out the high of feeling like an explorer. 

Once back home, he spilt the fresh blueberries all over the countertops, only a few of them rolling off the edge and falling to the floor (Zim threw those ones away- already knowing the dangers of germs). Most all of them were in good condition despite the fact that he had merely carried them in his hands and in his sweater pockets, filling him with an even greater sense of accomplishment. 

Zim dug through the cupboards and shelves of the kitchen to gather what he would need fo the pie, struggling with the heavy container that held the sugar. 

He washed the berries before pouring them into a large mixing bowl, adding sugar, cornstarch, and cinnamon to the mixture (if he had had lemons on hand, he would have added some lemon juice as well, but that wasn’t an option). As he mixed, Zim did his best to avoid squishing the delicate berries. Despite being careful when mixing everything up, what he ended up with was more of a pulp than anything else. He wasn’t too pleased with the consistency, but it was better than nothing. 

Right when Zim was about to begin preparing the crust, something stopped him. 

“Zimmy, what are you doing?”

He froze in his tracks upon hearing the voice of his mother and turned to face her. 

Miyuki was far taller than Zim was- though that wasn’t a surprise considering the fact that Zim was just a child. Regardless, she was a bit taller than most other adults Zim met and he couldn’t help but feel as though that made her cooler, in some strange way. The sheer height of the looming presence would have been intimidating were she not his mother. He knew better than to be scared of her- and, really, who could feel scared when those big, soft blue eyes met their own.

As much as he wanted to lie to preserve the secrecy of the surprise, Zim had never been very good at doing so and had never liked lying to her, so he told the truth, “I’m making blueberry pie!”

She let out a fond sigh, kneeling down to be at her son’s height, “Zim, sweet-heart, you know you can’t do that on your own. It isn’t safe for you to handle this on your own. You could get seriously hurt.”

Zim frowned. That wasn’t what he had wanted to hear. He wasn’t  _ surprised _ \- his mother had never allowed him to cook on his own before and had warned him of the dangers of it before- but he had definitely  _ hoped _ she wouldn’t say that. 

“I know...” he sighed, “I wanted to surprise you.”

Miyuki smiled, facial expression softening, “That’s sweet of you, but I need you to be more careful for me, okay?”

Zim nodded, but his mind was already back on the pie, “I know, I promise I will. Now let me finish it for you!”

Miyuki chuckled before standing up. Zim really didn’t have much of an attention span, sometimes. “Let’s make it together, instead. How does that sound?”

Zim knew it was a rhetorical question, so he said nothing, just grabbing what they would need to prepare the crust of the pie.

Together, they rolled out the crust of the pie, Miyuki letting Zim take the lead in doing so even if he couldn’t make it perfectly. He seemed so excited about the very idea of doing this on his own that Miyuki didn’t want to pop his bubble of excitement. 

They spent the rest of the morning working on the pie together and creating an absolute mess in the process. Flour and sugar dusted the countertops of their kitchen and the same substances left smudges on both of their faces. The delectable scent of sweet, tangy berries and baking, sugared dough filled their entire house, wrapping it in a cosy warmth that was nothing if not familiar to them. 

By the time it was finally done and ready to eat (an insurmountable amount of time to Zim, but only about two hours in reality), Zim was practically vibrating with excitement. Sure, Miyuki had helped him later on in the process, but, overall, he had made the pie on his own and he was incredibly proud of himself for doing so. Plus, he was certain that his mom would love it- fresh berries were always better than frozen ones in pies. 

Since Zim was so excited to see how she would react to it, that he waited for her to eat some of it before she even tried his own. Her reaction was completely unexpected, though, to say the least.

Instead of what one would consider to be a normal reaction to eating baked goods, her brows knit together immediately, only taking a few bites of it before asking Zim a question he hadn’t expected, “Where did you get these berries from, honey?”

Zim furrowed his eyebrows as well, tilting his head to the side as she asked the question, “I picked them from the woods. They were from the big bushes with the red vines. Why?”

Her face seemed to pale at the very mention of him venturing into the woods to retrieve the berries, “With…  _ red _ stems?”

“Yes?” Zim’s voice was laced with confusion as well, “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Zim,” she smiled reassuringly, though there was still trepidation gleaming behind her bright eyes, “I just… those berries may have been something else. And they’re usually not safe to eat.”

It was Zim’s turn to pale as anxiety overtook his body in massive waves. What did that mean? Had Zim…  _ hurt her _ by doing that? Were they in danger? He didn’t completely understand the situation, and he didn’t know enough about whatever plant it was that he had apparently used instead of blueberries to anticipate whatever it was that would happen to her. Regardless, he felt tears pricking his eyes already, scared of what could happen. 

The moment Miyuki saw tears spring to her son’s eyes, she swooped in and wrapped him up in a hug, cooing reassuringly, “Don’t worry, sweet-heart. They’re usually only unsafe when you eat them raw and I didn’t eat much of it. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

As those things always go, that wasn’t the case. 

Roughly six hours later, Miyuki was starting to feel the effects of the plant weakening havoc on her system, taking its toll on her body and her organs. She got sick and threw up several times. The nausea never seemed to leave her once she began to feel it and she was constantly thirsty. 

Forty-five minutes after she began to get sick, Miyuki called an old friend to drive her to the hospital where she stayed for what seemed to be an eternity to Zim. He wasn’t able to see her- the doctors deemed it too unsafe and distressing to allow the young child into the room with her. 

They pumped her stomach to rid her of the berries, but it was too late. 

She didn’t make it. 

Pokeweed, Zim later discovered, was the plant that he had accidentally harvested.  _ Not _ blueberries. They were unsafe to consume if they weren’t prepared correctly and having the juices come into contact with one’s skin could even lead to dangerous side effects. While cooking and eating, Miyuki had done both of those things, putting herself at risk because of  _ Zim _ . 

Somewhere deep down, Zim knew that it wasn’t his fault that she had died. He hadn’t known what he was doing, nor did he know what would happen when he did it, but, regardless, he couldn’t shake the feeling that, despite being a mere child, he had murdered his mother. 

It had been his fault. He left the house when he wasn’t supposed to and began cooking without her permission so she didn’t even get to see the berries intact and see his failure. He had worn his gloves, as always, preventing him from getting any of the berries or their juices on his skin. He had forced her to taste it before he tried any, making her feel the effects without him being impacted by them at all. He didn’t even try to get her to go to the hospital after she told him what had happened, not seeing it as necessary, at the time. 

He was young, yes, but that didn’t change the facts in the least. It was Zim’s fault that his mother was currently dead. It was only by some cruel twist of fates that she was gone while he remained alive. Whatever entity that controlled the universe had made a mistake that day, and Zim was the fallout from it.

Zim curled in on himself even more tightly, his nails digging into his flesh in absolute agony as he tormented himself with the memory of his mother’s death for the thousandth time. No matter how much time passed, the vividness of every moment of that day played clearly in his mind. Regardless of the years between then and now, he had yet to forgive himself- to see himself as innocent in the situation (he was _not_ innocent). 

She died on the anniversary of her birth. She died and left her son all alone.

Why were the fates so cruel?

Tears streamed down Zim’s cheeks, seeping into the fabric of his pillow as he choked back his sobs, trying desperately to stay quiet to avoid waking his dads. They didn’t need to suffer just because Zim was a terrible person and had been since birth- they didn’t  _ deserve _ to have a  _ broken _ son. 

Despite it being a constant, Zim couldn’t help but ache at the feeling of loneliness. He was empty. He was broken. He was  _ alone _ and  _ unloved _ . Worst of all, he completely deserved it. 

Zim was alone in the world, and it was entirely his fault. 


End file.
